Ever been embarrassed about what to say or write to someone bereaved? I recently read a booklet by Paul Lack, a clergyman and someone who was himself recently bereaved. He had a few pearls of wisdom which I share with you now.

While bereavement is usually associated with the recent death of some close, Lack points out though that many things bring bereavement from the loss of a pet to redundancy and surgery. However, he initially stresses that the bereaved person is the same person after death as they were before and we should remember that. He also says that it is important to say something as saying nothing, ignoring or avoiding a bereaved person is hurtful. He recommends sending a card or a letter or make the phone call and acknowledge what has happened but never say, “ I know exactly how you feel”. Listening is the key and as they talk, what may seem inconsequential to you may be hugely significant for them. Allow them to talk about the person if they so wish and always refer to them by the name they were known by.

In the days after a bereavement, home cooked meals, or practical help can be a godsend. But if you did things together with the other couple say, be mindful of that, still invite them but be conscious of the new dynamic.

And how long do we keep all this up, asks Lack. Well, the answer is always, grief is unpredictable but he does recommend asking about how people they are for at least 5 years.

In the booklet he concludes with a list of What not to say which should be written on a fridge magnet and number one on his list is ‘Do not just talk. Listen!’ which is probably the best advice of all but then he goes on to say: Do not tell people what to feel; Do not deny their feelings; Do not judge; Do not try to fix them; Do not advise; Do not make it about you; avoid platitudes and euphemisms.

Great help in dealing with bereavement.

Reference

Lack, Paul, “What to Say to the Bereaved” Grove Booklet Pastoral 176